June 8, 2017
June 8

June 5

I started this post May 16, but it’s been slowly percolating the past ten months.

And just as slow in the writing.

It’s getting to be crunch time.

My hiatus ends June 30 and I’ve given myself until then to decide what’s next:

1. Do I ‘quit’ art? Sell off the majority of my supplies and turn the studio into a bedroom for my youngest?
2. Do I stay on unofficial hiatus and make things as the mood/time allows, without attempting to promote myself or maintain a professional status?
3. Do I recommit myself to the whole endeavour, buckle down, and make more work, set up a web page, get back into grants, shows, etc?

This hiatus has been eye opening in so many ways. My overall stress is way down despite various personal emergencies this year. I had an epiphany this week that attempting to ‘produce for sale’ was part of what was blocking me and making me avoid the studio. Since being on hiatus I’ve at least been playing with making things, regaining some of my happiness. I sketched this week for no other reason than to pass the time! I’ve also been using my artist facebook page more too, for sending out RFAOH posts. A definite step towards self-promotion.

I was asking a colleague who has a business degree about what would be involved in setting up a business goal plan for the upcoming year. I was surprised she suggested including personal goals as well as business ones. Her belief (as I understood it) is that as artists/mothers/business people/… we need to look at balancing our personal goals/needs with business and professional goals. Her suggestion was writing down what I want in each area over the next year with specific details (do a 5K in less than 1h 45m, earn 10+k in art sales….) then look at how each is possible, and if they can be done simultaneously with all my other commitments (jobs, parenting, partnering). This would then be the framework for planning.  

Pros and Cons:  

1) Quitting has its appeal, the idea of selling off supplies and walking away seems very clean. A new blank slate.

But I’ve spent a lot of time and money getting supplies to have on hand for whatever I feel like making. It feels wasteful-anxious-embarrassing-dumb to ditch it all (even if I get some/most of the money back). I think that’s what minimalists talk about when they discuss why people end up with so much more stuff than they need. Really the minimum I need is my watercolour kit and papers. The rest of my supplies I just like, the colours, the tactility, are soothing.

Again, it may be that I have hoarding tendencies. Meh.

The idea of the boys not sharing a room also has appeal – they both like company to sleep, so together seemed reasonable. But they keep each other awake, so it’s not so awesome for sleeping. BUT it is super sweet to hear Arthur reading stories to Edward …even at 9:30 at night…

2) Staying on hiatus is actually the least appealing option.

It feels like being indecisive. Whether I choose to commit or not is still up in the air but I hate feeling wishy-washy. Suck it up, make a decision, and march on. I acknowledge this is pretty black and white thinking and may not be appropriate to this situation, which is why I’ve kept staying on hiatus as an option. I need to talk this through with a couple people as sounding boards to establish whether I’m being too rigid.

3) Recommitting is scary.

I remember how I was feeling last year and am really not sure I want to risk going back to that state. BUT with the distance I have now I feel like I would approach being an artist-businessperson very differently. Firstly, I can write ‘businessperson’ without feeling as if it’s somehow antithetical to being an artist. Secondly, I feel I can make art and sell it without falling into the trap of grinding out things I don’t like, just for sale. Third, accepting that my art can be dealt with in a more organized and professional manner, while still being exploratory and fulfilling, is another big step forward. It’s the way other lifegoals are going to be achieved.

When I wrote that all I need are my watercolours – that was unconscious and it was an eye-opening moment for me, it took several days of processing on its own.

For various reasons, decluttering, family age/stage, etc we’ve been contemplating moving – movers charge by weight, so the less you take the less it costs – so I’ve been looking at everything in our house with an eye to “if we were to move next week/month/year what are the things I would feel had to come with us.”

Not that I’d be sad to see go, there’s lots more of that!

But it’s surprising to me to realize what I feel is essential and it’s not always what I might have anticipated (or what Peter would think either). When I went through our first floor, there was only the rocking chair where I nursed my boys, our kitchen table, and SOME of my china (surprisingly not all of it, even though it is all sentimental or heirloom).  I’d be loath to give up the piano, but if push came to shove, I’d leave it. So basically 3 (admittedly large) items and a box. In our room (other than the quilts my mother has made us) I bet I could get everything I want into a large suitcase and bankers’ box.

Can you be an unsentimental hoarder?? Dunno.

While all this bubbles in the back of my head, we’re enjoying the beginnings of summer – our windows are open every night now, the night temperatures aren’t dipping much below 10 and daily highs are getting upwards of 25. There’s been enough rain so things are still green and fresh. The brown scorched earth will set in between the end of June and mid-July. I cut the pieces for a summer pajama set – now I just have to find time to sew it. We’ve been camping, and to our local “historic village”, Heritage Park, twice already. The park is fifty-odd acres in the middle of the city where we can let the kids run and roam without being terrified of crazy drivers. Between the walking, the stream train, and the 100+ year old amusement rides, it’s got everything a parent could want. The kids are pretty keen on it as well. 🙂 The boys have soccer and we’ve been practicing passing the ball around. Edward would rather be a robot scanning the ball than kicking it but he’s four so he gets indulged. Arthur is getting quite good, maybe next year we’ll put him in a ‘real league’ rather than Timbits (a low-competition, once a week league).

…Though that’s a 3x per week commitment from the parents and I’m not sure we’re up for that… I’m so confused by parents who manage to have their kids in things every night of the week. The top of my head would pop off. We barely keep everything running with the kids in piano and 6-weeks of soccer. I think the house would implode from the weight of laundry and sticky little boy grime if we took on more.  

Random thought-memory. My instructor position is predicated on being a working artist, I’m not sure how strict they are on whether I could keep it if I quit. Hmmm, that will need to be figured in.

A friend has told me the school where I started my BFA (one of my favorite places in the world) is in the last stages of getting an MFA authorized. I’ve got two Master’s but because they aren’t MFAs I haven’t been successful getting art program jobs (there are other reasons like a discombobulated portfolio as well…) but I’ve been told that no MFA kills my chances regardless. SO…I’m thinking that when they open applications I might try that. It feels more than a little insane but I love teaching. I know that in the future I want that to be a big part of my work. So, if I want to get more employment, it’d have to be an MFA or an education degree. Either is at least two years. I could apply for an MFA in Calgary but the expense of living here and going to school is really prohibitive. Of course, how one pays for a degree without a job is a question for later. It was all so much simpler when I was in my 20’s without a fixed address or kids and with a student loan.

As always things ebb and flow and change on a dime.

We have no idea what we are doing.

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