Finding Home, Finding Love and Finding Work: the Proximity Between Us
It’s 8,500km kilometers as I type away (when en route from Singapore to Zurich). This is finally over, I meant my time in Singapore… Pardon my tone but it was hard being there; the anxiety, the panics, the stress and so on. Work was hardly possible — except during my first week — with everything going on at home now.
One would accuse me of being an escapist. Perhaps I am, but I am also very much so trying to face the problems that I (and everyone else) have of; finding home, finding love and finding work. I do not expect these things to magically be resolved and therefore I’m constantly telling myself that it is okay to be in such a state — a state of precarity — I just have a more unconventional approach, that’s all. Moreover, it’s been way past that question of, “why leave, not stay”, it is exactly because of my failure to see and grasp the reality of staying after that trauma. Despite that, my heart is dying to stay but my soul gets sucked dry each time I try.
I’m glad we did not meet (yes, I said it) although we did briefly and coincidentally crossed path. And the reason being because we are just not ready to see each other again, or maybe it is really just me. Being friends is wishful thinking because the moment we fell in love we both knew going back would be impossible (as our history has shown). I am accepting that “we” will become memories we hold dear to. Since all else has failed, my insistence on moving on and letting go came on so strong after that trauma, it is only fair that we both try to let this love go, just like how we held on to it.
Chances are, I’m going to be drifting for a few years but that’s fine as long as I’m doing something. I will naturally “settle” once I find a place that gives me a reason to. The possibilities of moving back to Singapore is high considering the urgency but then, how possible is it for me to maintain life both in Amsterdam and Singapore? In terms of work, at the moment (as I always say at the end of the year) it looks promising. My main task would be completing my masters thesis and graduating from the DAI in June with a kick-ass research on hand. Then, hopefully ending my hiatus and kicking off with a Demasculinized research residency with Andre in Switzerland and then a research (I cannot disclose yet) in Beijing for two months before returning to Singapore for a bit and Amsterdam during late fall.
Off to school for now!