13_1110 post 10
I don’t drink coffee. I go crazy if I did.
I want to be able to do a lot of things. My brain doesn’t seem to stop to see opportunities to do something in everything around me. For some who has followed my posts here, I might seem like one who cannot stand still. They may be right.
This hiatus is not fully voluntarily for me. Although I chose to do this (with applying to RFAOH), like back in 2010, situation forced me to take a break. I chose to be slow because not only that’s the way to make myself sane in this country (everything is done really slowly here), I also found the potential of taking time to do things that’s considered worth doing in the first place. Taking a ‘break’ right now is a requirement for me in order to be able to reflect + decide what my next plan is.
Looking at how things are being done around me, I am never satisfied. I want to shake the world + tell it to get its act together. Attending the opening of Jakarta Biennale last night, I got the same feeling. I deliberately chose to keep a certain distance from the event not only because of the residency, but also because of my given situations: just having got back from abroad + trying to reconnect with the main activities I did before automatically disqualified me to be really involved in the event. My always uncomfortable art-and/or-architecture position which I’m still trying to figure out myself doesn’t help. This distance, although has been proven itself to be constructive (to see what’s being presented in front of me in a clearer perspective), creates a lot of itch on my body whenever I see a potential to make some things better. It makes me anxious.
I found that self-therapy works. If the guys in Triple Canopy wants to slow down the internet, I want to do the same to the whole world through the way I’m experiencing it. I can at least control THAT.
If being slow doesn’t mean being relaxed, and being on a break doesn’t mean relaxation time, it is because one thing: pennilessness. A lot of people would raise their fists towards me for calling myself poor, but one fact remains clear: on paper, my income is not only really low, but it’s also late. It creates another anxiety for me, putting me always on the edge of my seat, looking for ways to sustain my existence.
There you go, another trickery towards myself besides being slow + non-productive: to be broke. At least there’s one positive trait to it. It’s my fullest intention to abuse that positivity. I just want to be clear on that.